Amabel Chukwu Written by Amabel Chukwu · 2 min read >

The thought of her death sends chills to my heart each time I think about her.  How can a woman choose to die just like that, what made her stay, how could she just endure so much pain? How can she love a beast.

 I have kept, myself from arguing with God but  I had to ask him this ; Dear God ,didn’t you hear her all the time she cried in her secrete place. Did you not feel how her heart burnt for your help and mercy? Even if you didn’t hear me when I cried at least you should have heard her. I was cold filled with fear of what the future holds. Then I heard a voice whispering to me “I love you”. I am God; but I can’t come down to help you”.

I pushed the voice away and was saddened, my inner self flipped through the bible. I was teary, my heart was heavy, but I couldn’t cry that will make me a victim of my thoughts. I heard a second voice saying ‘’don’t end up like Osinachi, don’t let your kids…

I pushed the voice away too. I stood up from my bed and dressed for work. The voice returned whispering ‘’Ifeoma you promised to walk with me’’. Don’t you think that since I have shown you the way, you can’t walk it without me?

But my mouth was so heavy to pray, I don’t want to sing worships at least not the one that won’t be heart felt. I thought of how I always woke up in at 3am and instead of fellowship with God,I fondle my phone and lay empty on my bed. I wore my shoes and left my house.

The voice still whispered as I thought of business of the day saying, you can’t do it without me. I still asked the voice, “why did you let her die’’? The voice replied “I love her” but I can’t decide for her just as I can’t decide for you.

I really wanted to figure out why she stayed. Why did Osinachi Nwackwu stay until her death. This has been on my mind since I learnt of the circumstances surrounding her death.

The church didn’t fail us.

I thought of her work life, I thought of her home, the church, omg, her husband is a pastor!! She stayed because of what her people will say back home, the kinsmen who will refuse to give their support because no one wants to say the truth, I wondered if our forefathers never divorced. She stayed because of the Clergies according to her pastors, ’pray and have faith”. She must have sown miracle seeds of faith. Self-pity would have been her daily bread.  Of course, the people in the church and other ministries would have stopped her from ministrations no one would want to be a part of a scandal. She would suffer, where would she run to? The beast seized all her money omg people will call me stupid if they find out. I will I start afresh, who will protect me these must have rung in her head.

My inference is ; the society and the clergies killed Osinachi before her husband could.

But come to think of if why does Christianity drive some of us into self-pity? What are we not getting right?

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