We sat in the living room discussing angry outbursts and dishonesty as love busters. It was my family’s turn to host the monthly couples’ meeting with two of my colleagues and their wives. Somto prepared a tasty ‘abacha’, got some fruits ready, and cooled the drinks. I also bought some cupcakes for the meeting.
Dami gave us a summary of the first chapter for the day – Angry Outbursts: Who Wants to Live With a Time Bomb. He highlighted the punitive motive of partners who use angry outbursts to address issues. Outbursts are not to be excused, although perpetrators like to believe that they have good reasons to express their anger in such abusive ways. They believe that their partners are to be blamed for their outbursts.
Dee stated that one’s ability to handle anger depended on oneself awareness and appreciation of anger triggers. He opined that some people erroneously believe that they cannot help their behavior when they are angry. Rather, people should make efforts to evaluate their situation and manage their emotions. Anger, he said is a one-minute insanity.
I shared my agelong battle with managing my anger, starting from my teenage episodes and my efforts to bring my strong emotions under control. I had prayed to God about it and had relief. Many friends and associates would never believe that I ever got angry, they have never seen me do. It was until I got married that I began to see that I had not entirely become free from angry outbursts. This chapter now makes me realize that I needed to take charge of my emotions and determine my response to annoying circumstances.
DMJ gave us the summary of the next chapter – Dishonesty: Who Wants to Live With a Liar. She outlined the different kinds of liars:
- Protector liars: these lie because they want to protect their spouses from perceived pain.
- Trying-to-look-good liars: these lie to look good, powerful, and be liked or appreciated.
- Avoid-trouble liars: these do not want trouble and lie to avoid it.
- Born liars: these are chronic liars who lie even when there is no reason to.
We agreed that couples need to embrace the policy of radical honesty. Schedules and plans should be shared, emotions should be communicated, history should be discussed, and openness should be the watchword.
It was a pleasurable time together. We enjoyed the conversations, meal, and the jokes. Each couple went home willing to be honest and to manage their anger. I committed to a plan of ending angry outbursts and set the group as my accountability partner.
We agreed to meet again the next month, and we said prayers for our homes. A successful marriage consists of two individuals who are committed to making it work. Oneness in marriage means that great effort should be made to be transparent and honest. There should be no secret life or privacy in marriage. The very decision to get married is a decision to not have privacy. Demanding privacy creates a fertile ground for hidden habits that will destroy the marriage. Radical honesty makes for sustainable marriages.
THE STORY OF ANINI CONTINUED