During courtship, many intending couples talk about how many children they would love to have. Most times, this discussion is romanticized and steeped in fantasy – the warm feeling of having a cute newborn. Very few couples discuss the practical details of childbearing. In fact, intending couples are mostly unaware of the challenges of bearing and caring for an infant. Since these discussions were never had, the changes and demands of childcare most of the time bring unforeseen strain to new marriages.
First is the question of who takes care of the infant and at what cost. What happens to the woman’s career during infant care? Mostly, the only thing courting couples have are assumptions. Some men assume the woman will stay home and take care of the child for several months. Others simply think they can easily get relatives to serve as live-in nannies for free. But the reality is quite different. Most women now need to build careers – they find meaning and cheerfulness in engaging in productive work, or they need to (or want to) support their new homes or their siblings and parents. The changing social terrains make it difficult to find relatives who are willing to be live-in nannies. Today, even grandparents are unable to help take care of their new grandchildren either due to work, preferences, locations, and a host of other factors.
Newly wedded couples soon realize that they need to pay for childcare or one of them needs to make work adjustments. And here lies the dilemma for so many. Some see hiring nannies or using a daycare facility as being below their ethical standards for parenting. They believe that both options are not the best for their infant and that it amounts to irresponsibility if one keeps a 3 weeks or 4 weeks old newborn in the care of a nanny or a daycare. Abuse and subpar treatment of children are cited as evidence of the risk associated with both options. The next option available to couples is to stop work or get a flexible work option.
Several women are made to leave their jobs in other to care for their newborns. Maternity leaves in most establishments barely exceed 4 to 6 weeks. Couples decide that one of them, in most cases the woman, must stop work. This is the very problem with a couple caring for their own newborn. The easily seen consequence of this option is the much-needed (in many instances) income that is forfeited. Another consequence is the truncated careers of the spouse who stops working.
When a young woman who has a career interest stops working to care for her newborn, there is a big chance of falling into postpartum depression. On its own, the demands of an infant can be exasperating – frequent unexplainable cries with the concomitant high-pitched shrills, diaper changes, feeding times, midnight feeding vigils, and all others. Add to this the frustration of caged excellence, brilliance, and career progression; and you may well have a severely depressed mother. A husband who nags about having to meet extra financial obligations, needing to ask for money to meet personal needs, lack of support and assistance from the husband, and the husband’s continued career progression & unhindered life unsettle the woman’s mental balance furthermore.
There is therefore a great need to consider what options are available for childcare before embarking on childbearing. The overall health of the marriage depends on making a win-win decision about infant care. A discouraged or ruffled wife does not make for a great companion. A physically stressed, resentful, or depressed wife is not either. Attitudinal changes that may eventually destroy the marriage could result from a combination of these. Adequate discussion and consultation for childcare must be made by couples. Couples must create budget childcare. Daycare centers and nannies are viable options for childcare. Although there are risk factors, adequate controls could be emplaced to forestall abuses.
Before choosing a daycare facility, couples should conduct thorough fact-finding, including physical visits. It is helpful to ask friends, colleagues, and family for referrals to good daycare centers. Several centers now use video surveillance systems to enable remote monitoring of your child from handheld devices and computers. This is also useful with live-in nannies – a home surveillance system could be installed and integrated into your mobile device. Moreover, live-in babysitter selection should be carefully done. Professional handling of babysitting recruitment and a good remuneration package improve the chances of getting and retaining quality and humane nannies.
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