The truth is that my wife is annoying. I would love to say otherwise, and make her feel good, but she has done things that got me really mad. I hate it when she forgets a critical conversation, does not consult me on an issue that affects me, does something different from our joint agreement, was not proactive, did not foresee a situation, and the list goes on and on. So, to keep it short, Somto is bothersome!
I guess many husbands will say the same about their wives, and the wives of their husbands. For some, their spouse is often annoying, for others remembrance can be made of infuriating episodes. Whatever the case, there is usually a cause to get irate in a marriage. Somto after all is not the only annoying human.
The question becomes, what do I do with my anger? Should I serve it ‘pressed down, shaken together, and running over’?[1] Should I ignore it, let it brew, and dissipate? Or should I cut off my bile? Marriages that are built to last have found a sustainable strategy for anger management.
Angry Outbursts Are Abusive
When anger is served as an equal and opposite ‘reaction’ to the trigger, or worse off, is ‘pressed down, shaken together, and overflowing’; disaster is the outcome. Verbal lashing, fist fights, thrown objects, and severe beatings arise from angry outbursts. ‘For better, for worse’ becomes a mockery, and spouses hurt the same people they vowed to serve and protect.
I have come to accept full responsibility for managing my anger. It is a tough job, especially in the light of several triggers, yet it is the soul of maintaining a non-abusive marriage. We all must arise to the great and attainable height of being sweet and loving despite provocation or frustration.
Calm and Collected Dialogues
Williard F. Harley Jr. maintains that angry outbursts are abusive even if there was no physical abuse. He calls for spouses to rather tame their anger and engage in calm dialogues to explain how hurt and unhappy they are. Mr. Harley Jr. states that temper management is a training that each person needs. It requires the discipline and grit of an Olympic runner. We all must build habits of expressing anger in a controlled and calm way without being verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive.
I still struggle with it. I tend to raise my voice or talk in stern and high-pitched tones. I go repetitive with my chastisement and may sound like a headmaster addressing an irresponsible pupil. But my wife is my wife, a companion, a helpmeet, an individual, and an adult, not my pupil or subordinate. Even if she were a subordinate, angry outbursts cannot be justified.
Communicate Expectations
I have noticed that the incidence of events that trigger anger is reduced when Somto and I have conversations about what we expect from each other, and about behaviors and situations that make each of us angry. I notice that over time, we have become more sensitive to each other’s sensibilities and concerns. We both make good efforts not to be frustrating or unhelpful. We have also committed to managing our tempers – although, it is I who actually needs to since she is mostly sweet-tempered.
Chinedu Is Irksome
Although I do not believe that I am annoying, Somto does get angry, so that means I am provocative too. It is this realization that helps me to be more gracious when I am provoked. I vex my spouse, I vex colleagues, and I vex God. Yet God never thunders at me with His voice, which Ezekiel and John say is like the ‘sound of many waters’ [2].
Featured Image is Photo by Keira Burton: https://www.pexels.com/photo/angry-multiethnic-couple-scolding-each-other-during-conflict-6147227/
[1] Luke 6: 38 NKJV
[2] Ezekiel 43: 2 and Revelation 14:2
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